I’m so excited about the next two holiday seasons! This year, we’ll be celebrating Thanksgiving and our anniversary in beautiful Mexico, followed by a month-long European adventure. It feels like a well-deserved reward for all the hard work and personal growth I’ve achieved this year. Next year, for the 2025 holiday season, we plan to be in St. Louis, Missouri, hopefully with all of our children or as many as possible, to be together as a family. It’s time to break free from old traditions and start new ones.
I understand firsthand how challenging the holidays can be for various reasons. Last year was particularly difficult and heartbreaking for me. Still, I took significant steps that I wish I had taken years ago. I removed myself from dysfunctional situations characterized by unrealistic and manipulative expectations. I now realize that escaping a dysfunctional family dynamic and abuse required a critical step. I needed to distance myself from the toxic environment which fostered them. The key is to understand and own your power within situations. People only have control over you that you allow them to have. For those of you presently navigating similar circumstances, here’s some advice I wish someone had shared with me years ago.
I was the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family. My two older half-siblings placed a huge burden on me. They resented me for being my father’s first born son by blood. The fact he had adopted my older brothers is something which never mattered to him. He loved both of them like his own and kept the secret for them more than anything else. He never wanted them to doubt his fatherly commitment and love for them. Still, they resented him deeply for this and even more for me in return.
This family secret was kept from me until my late fifties, leaving me unaware of crucial family dynamics. My brothers fiercely guarded the secret. They wielded it like a secret weapon. I was left in the dark, wondering what I did wrong. I had no clue why I was being treated the way I was. For years, I blamed myself. This is something victims of abuse often do, trying to find fault in something they did. The truth is that I did nothing to deserve their resentment. It had nothing to do with something I did but instead everything to do with who I was. It was a shocking revelation which answered so many questions. Once I knew, it helped me understand the abuse I had endured at the hands of my brothers. Most importantly, it clarified the reasons why. My reactions to the years of abuse inflamed and angered them once I began to say, “No more.”
This is where their behavior and reactions became textbook. Breaking free from this type of abusive family dynamic can be both challenging and incredibly rewarding. As you embark on this healing journey, be mindful of the tactics employed by abusive family members. I experienced every single one of these:
Guilt-Tripping: They manipulate you into feeling guilty for prioritizing your well-being.
Gaslighting: They distort reality to make you doubt your own perceptions.
Smear Campaigns: They spread rumors to tarnish your reputation and isolate you.
Love Bombing: They shower you with excessive affection to manipulate and control you.
Silent Treatment: They ignore you to punish and manipulate you.
Remember, you are not a black sheep; you are a victim of abuse. By understanding these tactics, you can empower yourself to set healthy boundaries and break free from the cycle of abuse. If your situation resonates with these experiences, I encourage you to seek the support you need. Escaping such situations can have far-reaching positive impacts on your well-being and overall life.
I didn’t fully understand this last year as I began to deal with the flood of emotions. I also faced flashbacks of the abuse I had endured. It took time and distance to realize the extent of the dysfunction and the undue burdens placed upon me. It’s painful to recognize how people use their dysfunction as a weapon against you. But, once you reclaim your power and control, you can start to live a better life.
In my case, narcissistic attempts to draw me back into the abuse continue. Still, I’ve learned to block and shut them down. I’ve gained a clear understanding of how to deal with them through my healthy independence. Once I gained the knowledge and understood the psychology, it became easy to see through their manipulative tactics. Their attempts to keep me away from my ill mother is one of those tactics they use. It is all about their control over my relationship with her and has nothing to with her well-being. They meet a wall with me every time they try to pull me back into the madness of their dysfunction. I’m determined to walk away with nothing but my dignity and peace, free from their insane behavior.
As for my mother, during one last moment of clarity she and I discussed all of this. Everything was discussed between us and nothing was left unsaid. It was one of the most life changing and important conversations I ever had with her. We have always been extremely close which is something my brothers have misunderstood and resented. My mother gave me instructions on handling the situations. She also explained to me how to handle situations which will arise due to them. How I should deal with them. To my surprise she understood the situations better then I ever knew she did.
I know my plans for the future regarding her. I know how to handle what is to come. I am at peace with that and she is at peace with that as well. The new found independence and freedom I have found has been incredibly empowering. The last moments of true clarity with my mom was one of the greatest gifts my mother has given me. I will value and hold onto her words for years to come.
This is a deeply personal topic. Sharing my experiences can be personally empowering and hopefully help someone else. If this is you, I understand your situation because I’ve been there. Trust me, you are stronger than you realize. Once you recognize the manipulative games for what they are, you’ll never go back. I wish you healing and independence from the pain and hurt of dysfunction. My gift for you this holiday is a healthy happiness. I also wish for a freeing healing that brings you peace for all the holidays to come.
Here is a great resource that I highly recommend if this sounds like you. It is a great first step in understanding and a starting point for guidance you need.
Therapist-Recommended: Family Scapegoating Family scapegoating is an insidious form of “invisible” abuse that is difficult to recognize. It’s crucial for adult survivors of dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems to understand the type of abuse they’re recovering from. In Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, Licensed Psychotherapist and Family Systems expert Rebecca C. Mandeville uses her research findings on “Family Scapegoating Abuse” (FSA) to help survivors recognize and release the damaging “scapegoat” narrative associated with the family’s “identified patient” role.
Discover within these pages: *
*The FSA Self-Assessment Test
*How to recognize and identify signs and symptoms of family scapegoating abuse (FSA)
*Why scapegoated individuals have difficulty recognizing they are being abused
*How complex trauma (C-PTSD), betrayal trauma, and toxic shame impede FSA recovery
*How intergenerational trauma and false narratives fuel family scapegoating dynamics
*Why the family “Empath” can end up scapegoated
*Strategies to reduce fawn/submit behaviors and realign with your “true self”
*Recommended resources and therapy modalities for FSA recovery
Steven LaChance Blog 
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