Steven LaChance Blog

This memory resurfaced today from a conversation with my husband in 2016. He first proposed to me, and my immediate response was a firm “No.” Why? Because I didn’t want to give hateful people one more thing to hold over my head. I didn’t want to give them that power.

Rick and I talked about this, and it’s still relevant today.

“By the way, legal marriage is a civil ceremony and not a religious one,” I explained.

“Wow, that’s true,” Rick responded, somewhat shocked.

“The legality is based in law, not religion,” I added.

“Then why do some try to make it a religious issue?” Rick asked. Silence fell between us.

That’s the point, isn’t it? You may feel you have the power as a court or government to dictate who can or cannot marry. But the truth is, almost everything covered by marriage law can be achieved through other legal means.

A true marriage, a true partnership, doesn’t need a government’s blessing. It’s a spiritual bond, not just a legal one. Not really.

At that moment, I didn’t want to let the world feel they had control over another part of my life. As a gay man, I’d faced this struggle repeatedly. I needed to define my relationship with my partner on my terms, without their interference.

I felt about legal marriage then as I do now. I didn’t marry my husband for their blessing. I married him as a symbol of tying my life to his in the deepest, most spiritual sense. This is something a court or government can’t control. My heart and vows belong to me.

The second time my husband asked me to marry him, I said, “Yes.” I’m not going to worry about what the US courts think about our marriage. It’s all about filing paperwork and legal briefs.

It doesn’t change the fact that in the eyes of the universe and our God, we are married – and most significantly, in our eyes. Take away the legal document, and I will handle the necessary legal work to bypass their ignorance. Then we will publicly renew our vows to show that the blessing of any government entity doesn’t matter. It’s just about papers and how to file them.

I will be married to my husband for the rest of our lives together, with or without whatever the future holds. No individual, group, court, or government has that power, and they never will.